As I write this piece, I notice that I am subtly, almost imperceptibly, pondering my motives in writing this. I am aware of a subtle, almost imperceptible resistance to noticing that beyond my desire to help I want to be noticed, appreciated, liked, admired, adored even!

And as I admit this, my shame becomes all-too-obvious; almost overwhelming. While I am tempted to avoid, push away, and ignore the elephant in the living room, I won't.

In my shame I am tempted to abandon this writing, abandoning, also, my desire to help. What to do?...

I will continue because I feel quite convinced that my desire to help is as genuine as my desire to be noticed. What does that make me? What does that mean?

I assume that you, the reader, share my experience. It is hard to imagine that I am all alone in this. Is this experience not familiar? What does that make you?

Now I am seeing the possibility of "forgiving" my need for adoration, not only in the service of pursuing my desire to help, but because I can see that my desire to help is made no less genuine by my need for attention.

I want to give help and get help with healing shame, that is, understanding shame, and where it comes from. I want to heal my relationship with shame and all my other "negative" experiences, for that matter.

In the interest of helping/getting help, I proceed and dare to "go where even angels fear to tread".  I notice that not only shame, but fear arise in me when I dare to look at my need for admiration. I fear what my need for admiration means. Whatever that is, it can't be good, right?

Beyond my need for admiration, I can see, not wanting to,  many other things for which I feel ashamed, and I am aware of a strong urge to run. Yet I choose to proceed. I need to heal and help you heal. I am also ashamed of:
•    hiding,
•    sneaking,
•    lying,
•    stealing,
•    cheating,
•    lusting,
•    criticizing,
•    condemning,
•    holding others in contempt,
•    being arrogant,
•    striking out,
•    wanting revenge, and above all,
•    failing - failing to be rid of these "flaws".

On their own, these would be impulses to fear and be ashamed of, but next to these "vile" impulses do we not also long for, intensely desire, and struggle to be rid of these? I can clearly see these in me, and I take for granted that you, too, can clearly see them in you when you stop to notice. Haven't we been trying to overcome these impulses for a very long time? (I will take up why we fail in another piece). The point here is not that we continually fail, but that we persist in trying to be rid of these in spite of all the failure. So what does this mean? What does this make us?

If you pay careful attention you may notice that beyond your terror of being bad, and therefore deserving of punishment (harm)* because of these impulses, there arises a kind feeling of tenderness, empathy, and compassion for yourself, for us all, when you realize that as much as we have these "evil" impulses, we all struggle to be rid of them. This just seems to be the human condition.

It is easy to notice these "shameful" impulses. Do you just as easily notice the revulsion, dismay and rejection of them; the impulse in you to be free of these impulses? If not, why not? And how do you react when you are not aware of the total cycle of the arising of the "shameful" impulse and the revulsion toward it?

What happens when you do see the complete cycle? You may notice compassion arising for yourself and for us all in our struggle to "be good" (as if we were not!).

*The idea that we deserve punishment/harm or that it is useful in any way will be taken up elsewhere.